It's All Meant For You.
Last year when I was traveling, I drove up to El Santuario De Chimayó, which is about 30 minutes north of Santa Fe.
It's this beautiful old shrine in the mountains which has been called "no doubt the most important Catholic pilgrimage center in the United States."
It's overwhelmingly quiet and peaceful, and there's this little room toward the back of the shrine with holy dirt that allegedly contains healing properties.
A couple months after my visit, I was on a coaching call with this man I met at random. He found me through the universe, and our talk was mostly about whether or not he should leave the educational institution he was highly involved in.
Of course, he already knew his answer, and it didn't take long before he realized that. Our call was meant to be an hour so we spent the latter half just shooting the shit, mostly about spirituality. I had asked him early in the call what his "attachment" was, and he said "it's so funny you should use that word, because this is a Buddhist University."
I told him about El Santuario De Chimayó, and I could feel his energy shift through my computer screen (not uncommon.)
I mentioned a woman I saw there who was just sobbing.
He said to me "because Andee, when you feel her, it's just pure mercy."
Mercy.
Before I go on, here's a definition: compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm.
I hadn't felt that from "her" in that setting, and I realized quickly that it was because I'm not Catholic, or even Christian. I wasn't indoctrinated into the belief that there is a deity outside of myself.
I have felt her, however. I've felt her many times.
In the beginning, when I did, I was so overcome with self-love, it reached the point where I had trouble allowing it.
Like "how could something this good be for me, when I am such a piece of shit?"
I told this story to someone on Wisdom app last week, about my process of "getting it together" back in 2018. In a couple months I had let go of my 18-year smoking habit, my diet soda addiction, and by that point, maybe 30 pounds?
I remember running a sub-9 minute pace in a 10K (which at the time was lightening fast for me) and feeling that immense self-love and joy. I remember my mom, whom I never believed was very proud of me, texting me at mile five saying "You're almost there!" and realizing I was so loved and supported.
I cried tears of love and gratitude.
And then I went to the bar with friends, drank for hours, and on my way to the train while trying to rush across the street to beat a taxi, tripped on the curb, bounced off the sidewalk, and got to observe myself lying broken, bloody, and dirty with a cheap medal around my neck.
Some fucking hero.
I couldn't, at that point, completely let in self love. I couldn't just allow myself to be great, to feel her. That light was always inside of me, but it felt like betrayal of an old lover to just allow myself to have it. It felt somehow "wrong," like it was too much.
It was too much because it was her. As Ramana Maharshi says, "God, Guru, and Self are the same."
That's why my marathon mantra when it gets hard is "show me where the light is."
When you feel the light for the first time, you will not believe it is for you. You won't believe it is you. You will be embarrassed. You will be overcome by things you've said or believed, and you'll remember ways that you've minimized your great self for years.
And yet, the perception that anyone is a piece of shit, or that we individually or collectively have fucked something up is all ego speak.
For you to have a great life, you must allow it despite what your lower mind has to say about it.
I get to talking to women and they look at me and say "I know I'm meant to do great things," and then almost cower, thinking I'm going to judge them or say "that's ridiculous."
No! It is ALL MEANT FOR YOU.
Every time you say "people like me don't do things like that," or "I hate people like that because," that's just a hurt little voice inside of you who is trying to protect you.
But it's ALL meant for you. And that belief must come first. You didn't fuck anything up.
Pure mercy.
You can continue to punish yourself, say mean things, self-deprecate, or laugh inappropriately. I've certainly tried on those hats. I even built a brand around the knowing that people need to hear their identified separateness addressed before they'll give themselves permission to heal...
But in the end, you have to do it.
And like one of my friends would say when he fully completes a thought: "...and that's it."
We'll talk soon.
Stay Beautiful.
-Andee
Here's some closing words from The Moody Blues:
"And when you stop and think about it
You won't believe it's true
That all the love you've been giving
Has all been meant for you."
