When Julia Machinshok lost her mother suddenly to pancreatic cancer in August of 2006, her world seemed to get out of control overnight.

At the time, she was drinking and partying very heavily and didn’t visit her mother the day before she died due to being hungover. The guilt and upset led her down a spiral of deep depression and alcohol abuse, and she found herself losing her job, having her car repossessed, and ending up without a place to stay at 8 months pregnant.

All of this was very traumatic for Julia. She was also repressing trauma from childhood, which she had not yet come to understand. 

In 2014, things finally started to take a turn for the worse. Julia had been battling depression, alcoholism, and poor mental health in general. She began having horrible nightmares that would not subside, so she sought help from a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist put her on a bunch of heavy-duty psychiatric medication, which didn’t seem to help.

The medication drug Julia into a place of numbness, and having her life slip slowly in and out of her control for years became too much. She attempted suicide twice.

Julia knew she had to take radical control of her life if things were going to change.

She sought out a therapist who she had once seen in the past who began specializing in a holistic approach to treatment.

Through months of work with mindfulness, hypnosis, and working through past experiences, Julia was able to conclude that her life and experiences were completely within her control.

She no longer takes medication, has been sober for four years, and now works as a case manager at a substance abuse treatment facility. Immediately, she knew it was where she belonged. She works with a phenomenal team, loves the work she does, and feels fulfilled in knowing she is helping people live better lives.

 

2:00 

Julia tells the story of her mother being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and the guilt she felt for moving out while her mother was ill. At the time, she was drinking and partying very heavily, and didn’t visit her mother the day before she died due to being hungover. The spiral of guilt and upset led her down a spiral of deep depression and alcohol abuse, and she found herself losing her job, having her car repossessed, and ending up without a place to stay at 8 months pregnant.

 

10:00

In 2014, things finally started to take a turn for the worse. Julia had been battling depression, alcoholism, and poor mental health in general. She began having horrible nightmares that would not subside, so she sought help from a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist put her on a bunch of medication, which didn’t seem to help.

At the time, she also started seeing a therapist.

Eventually, she found herself not being able to function and had to take a leave of absence from work.

 

15:00

Julia started feeling better and returned to work because she simply couldn’t be home anymore. Yet, she never tackled the unresolved issues that led to her depression in the first place, and in 2016, it all caught up with her.  

Familial issues arose which triggered more internal upset, and she resumed seeing the psychiatrist. However, the therapist she previously saw was no longer with that group.

The psychiatrist prescribed very serious medication. Julia describes it as “no emotions attached to any of it,” and she felt like she was just doing the bare minimum to get through each day.

None of the serious anti-psychotics helped her, so she began abusing them. She would wait a few days to take her Klonopin, and then take a bunch of it. All of her actions were simply to escape, and not feel anxiety, panic, or fear, but rather just “nothing.”

Upon getting Bronchitis and taking Nyquil at the same time as all of these medications, she learned that too would help her reach a feeling of “emptiness.”

 

19:00

Julia finally reached a place where she simply did not want to live any longer.

She had been medicating to escape for months. She was barely present in her own life, and felt completely numb to everything.

In her mind, her husband was completely unaware of it (as many addicts believe the people in their lives don’t know) but he was extremely concerned.

In his attempts to get her out of the house and get some fresh air, they went for a drive, and as Julia watched her kids play in a park, she felt the sense that she would not see them again.

 

21:30

Julia talks about the powerful feelings one experiences as a mother when struggling with mental health.

As she was watching her children and feeling as if she was completely fine with leaving them, she now reflects on how it feels to be out of control in her own life, and not be able to show up fully for her family.

 

22:00

Julia tells the story of her first suicide attempt.

 

25:16

Reflecting, she talks about how at the time, she felt she was internally broken, but now looking back, she knows it was the situations around her that she whole-heartedly had control over.

 

28:30

After her experiences in the hospital, Julia finally decided to take radical action and tracked down the therapist she had worked with many years ago.

The therapist switched to a holistic approach of treatment, and Julia was desperate for things to change. She knew that all previous treatments, including the medication, simply were not working.

 

30:00

Julia began seeing the therapist again. At points, she was seeing her every day.

 

30:30

Alcohol continued to be a problem, and when Julia would drink, those suicidal feelings would resume.

One night, after more heavy drinking, she had another suicide attempt by attempting to cut her wrist. She needed nine stitches.

 

34:00

Julia talks about her work with the therapist. The holistic approach was fully serving to her, and she was able to finally quiet her brain from the constant assault of thoughts.

She began working through her trauma slowly, including trauma from childhood and adolescence.

She tells the story about being sexually molested when she was very young and becoming an adult long before she was ready.

37:10

“Growing up quickly.”

Julia talks about having to be an adult long before she was ready, and the resentment she felt for people, including her mother, for the things that happened to her.

 

39:00

Julia stopped drinking completely and stopped taking medication. She’s been sober for four years.

She found that a mindful approach was very effective in her being able to work through trauma and past experiences in her life.

 

40:00

We talk about how humans catastrophize everything, which is all just made up in our thoughts.

44:00

Julia talks about the emotional releases she felt after her work with the therapist. Eventually, she was able to function normally and feel awake and alive.

46:00

 

Julia talks about making peace with her mother passing away and notes that it’s painful and has been a long process. The process is still ongoing, and she is still working through the emotions.

 

52:31

 

Julia talks about her transition in careers, from working in the emergency room to becoming a case manager at a substance abuse treatment facility. She feels that the job she’s working at now is truly where she belongs. She works with a phenomenal team, loves the work she does, and feels fulfilled in knowing she is helping people live better lives.