Brutally Sober: A No-Bullshit Conversation with Joe Conley
On this week’s episode of the Get the F*ck Off Podcast, I had the true pleasure of having a conversation with Joe Conley, host of the Brutally Sober podcast, and the Alcoholics Anonymous Deprogramming Podcast on YouTube.
Joe and I clicked right away. Maybe it’s just because we’re both no-bullshit East Coasters, or maybe it’s because we have a lot of similarities in our relationships with alcohol.
This conversation was very raw and real and explored many topics such as Joe’s experience in rehab, Alcoholics Anonymous, the science of drinking, our personal struggles with alcohol both past and present, sobriety during COVID, spirituality, enlightenment, identity, and being a fucking curmudgeon.
I absolutely loved talking with Joe and hearing about his life and experiences.
You can find Joe Conley on Instagram and Twitter.
Episode Notes:
4:30
We begin the episode by hearing about Joe’s earliest experiences with AA, back when he was drinking in his 20’s. He remembers not feeling like he didn’t quite fit.
9:00
As Joe had been religiously going to meetings, when COVID hit, that made things more difficult. He continued to read the Big Book and other literature, but he then discovered the recovery community on Instagram, which, at any time, he could go to and find someone experiencing a similar struggle to his own.
From there, he started the Brutally Sober podcast.
As he says, with recovery, as long as you “have your foot in the door with something,” and are not stagnant, you can do it.
He found himself constantly in the recovery mindset.
11:30
We talked about how Joe knew he was “over it.”
He talked about his 20-year experience with drinking, and how the time between his binges got closer and closer together.
15:00
Joe talks about the experience that finally solidified his needing to get help. With his wife away on a vacation, he used the time to get drunk to oblivion. He had not previously wanted to stop drinking, and his former attempts to stop were for his wife, but not so much for him.
Finding him drunk and passed out one afternoon, his father (who is also sober,) suggested he go to a detox center.
While in Detox, he was told by many others that he could not go home, but rather should attend Rehab.
At that moment, he had to be able to come to terms with the fact that it was something he must do to get sober.
He was fortunate that his job was able to provide paid leave for him to attend treatment, which served as a major incentive.
17:00
In Rehab, about a week in, Joe realized that he could not return to his life as a “normal drinker.”
He learned the science of the brain and how alcohol affects the individual.
What was really powerful, though, was his willingness to embrace a shift in his identity. He knew he had to fully embrace recovery to have a chance of success.
23:30
Joe talks more about the realization that he must come out of Rehab as a different person.
Previously, he associated drinking with his entire identity, which was centered around toughness, masculinity, hard work, and manual labor.
He realized he had to renegotiate a lot of that, and be able to have his identity as it was without the alcohol weaving through it.
As he described it:
“OK. I’m Joe in Rehab. I’m not Drinking Joe. I’m not the guy who goes to work and pays the bills so he can drink as much as he wants when he gets home.”
25:30
“Rehab was awesome.”
Joe’s spiritual awakening was simply that- he committed to fully embracing his new life.
28:30
We talked about the process of re-understanding identity. It took Joe a few months to be able to fully be comfortable with himself without the undercurrent of drinking.
He talked about his days of drinking and the associated productivity.
He says: “I had to be productive when I drank so I could say ‘I can’t be that bad of an alcoholic because look at all of the things I do.’”
31:30
We talked about the peaceful feeling of one-ness that we felt and associated with being drunk like everything was right with the world and everything was connected and beautiful.
Joe believed alcohol was bringing him to a spiritual place.
However, he never practiced it sober, and no matter what, it was impossible to carry the feeling into the next day.
36:00
We talked about Alcoholics Anonymous and the belief in a higher power, and how to embrace that step even if you’re not particularly spiritual.
Joe said that at first, AA itself was his higher power. Two people are stronger than one.
43:00
Joe talks about the idea that even if AA isn’t necessarily for you, he recommends going anyway. The community aspect is powerful.
He said even if one out of ten times you hear something that you can relate to, it’s worth it. However, he says hearing something you relate to happens far more often than one out of ten meetings.
47:00
Joe and I talk about process goals versus long-term goals, the difference, and moving forward with small action daily.
49:00
On sitting still-
When you stop drinking, it’s often very hard to just sit still and be with yourself. Both Joe and I experienced a great deal of discomfort with this, as when you stop drinking, you have to deal with yourself!
53:00
Joe offers his advice for newly sober people and learning to sit.
56:00
I share some of my own experiences with drinking and not wanting to feel. I talk about recognizing the emotion I was feeling at the time.
For example:
“Boredom.”
“Why am I bored?" If I’m bored I can find something to do or, I can simply be happy in the fact that I can rest.”
1:00:00
We talk more about alcohol not necessarily being “the problem,” but rather the result of the problem.
Joe talks about his drinking triggers and the process of acknowledging those and recognizing what’s happening in the present.
I talk a bit about the fact that you always have control of your inner state.
1:08:00
“Chasing the High”
When you’re drinking, you don’t really enjoy it most of the time. 90% of the time you’re chasing about 10% of the experiences.
We talk about the times we romanticize and miss our drinking days, and the importance to return to the concept that life truly is better without alcohol.
Nothing was great when we were drinking.
Not the inability to sleep, the taste in your mouth, vomiting in the morning, bloodshot eyes, and the hopeless feeling that you can’t get through the day. As good as we like to think it was, it was never that good, ever.
1:13:00
Joe talks about how now, he never dreads a single day. There were so many days he never knew how he’d get through.
Joe Conley is the host of the Brutally Sober podcast on Spotify and Anchor FM, and the Alcoholics Anonymous Deprogramming Podcast on YouTube.
