In this week’s episode, Coach Ayesha Saafir discusses her new transformative life coaching program Coaching for Kings, which is designed to change the dynamic in the Black male community with regard to mental health.

Ayesha, or “Coach Esha,” as she refers to herself when her clients need a bit of tough love, developed the program after watching her loved ones struggle in solitary with issues regarding their mental health, such as depression and addiction.

She noticed an omnipresent need in the Black male community for a safe space to discuss mental health.

Black men have stigma simply because they’re Black. Unlike White men, Black men have to constantly be proving their worthiness just to be alive.

A Black man is perceived as a threat to society, simply for a Black man. They’re instilled with limiting beliefs about their power and worth simply for being black men.

Thus, Black men are socialized to carry themselves in a manner of being “strong” and “tough,” and never to reach outside themselves with any vulnerability. As Ayesha points out, the rhetoric is “you’re a man. Figure it out.”

Her one on one coaching program provides a space for black men to know they are supported, and that their trauma of being a Black man in America is understood.

Coaching for Kings is designed to change the dynamic in the Black male community. It’s to give Black men a safe space to discuss mental health and reclaim their power in a world that has systematically worked against them for so long.

Episode Notes:

1:33

Ayesha started Coaching for Kings after noticing in the black male community struggle with making their mental health a priority. She explains that when you’re raised as a black man, you’re taught not to reach outside yourself for help.

Upon beginning the process for starting the program, she interviewed 30+ gentlemen and found 98% of them did not have a safe space where they felt comfortable talking to anyone. She said they believed all of their internal problems they need to figure out on their own within their perspective.

Ayesha wants to change the dynamic because it is creating a lot of chaos in the Black community.

Black men already have a lot of stigma just for being Black. As Ayesha says, “you’re a threat to society, just for being a black man. On top of that, you don’t have any support for you just being you.”

She explains that the narrative for black men is “you’re a man. You’re strong. Figure it out”

In other cultures, it’s more common or acceptable to reach outside of yourself. For example, white men are not criticized for seeing a therapist or coach, as white men are not constantly having to prove their worthiness for simply existing.

4:30

We talk about the research Ayesha did in developing her coaching program.

She gained a lot of insight from her mentor, Coach Sean Smith, who said if you’re going to coach any of your particular seekers or niche, you need to become them.

As he taught her, “you may think you know what black men need from a black woman’s perspective, but you don’t know until you really become them.”

She aimed to get as many honest authentic opinions as possible and realized she had her work cut out for her with subsections to be developed.

For example, veterans, homeless men, and men with criminal histories encompass their own giant subsections of her coaching program.

“It was a beautiful journey,” Ayesha said.

9:30

Ayesha plans to begin her coaching practice one on one, and expand gradually while she gains more practice and gains an understanding of the needs of the people she aims to serve, giving them support and resources.

“The biggest thing they need is someone just to listen,” she says.

11:00 

Ayesha found through her research and experience that much of the culture of Black men not prioritizing mental health and talking about their emotions begins at home with their mothers.

Their mothers want them to be safe, and not end up in jail or killed. Their mothers also harbor their own trauma, just for being Black, and such actively works to instill those values of survival into their children.

The demands of what their mothers say they “have to be” repeats as a mantra through the years. They do not want their sons to be failures, and thus they’re in a constant state of pressure.

For the time, Ayesha’s 1:1 coaching program provides a space for knowing that you are supported- knowing that somebody understands your basic trauma of existing as a Black man in America. 

15:40

We talk about Ayesha’s experiences coaching so far.

“We create our worlds- with all the trauma in the African American community- we have become victims and lived in victim mode, and as a response to actually being a victim mentality. We get into that mode from things that actually happened to us,” she says.

She tries to get her clients to acknowledge how much they have personally created in their realities, and extend it to the broader whole in leading clients to embrace their power.

She asks “what choices are you choosing and what are you choosing to hold on to from the past?” This is a powerful practice in helping clients gain awareness."

“A lot of black men don’t feel very powerful because they can’t beat the man and the world is against them,” she says.

Her work involves acknowledging that while yes, that really happened, you can do active work to change your reality today.

She starts at the most basic level, asking clients how much time they are willing to invest in themselves, and what sort of schedule they currently have?

She leads them to abandon their focus on the outside and what happened in the past, and start focusing on the inside.

 “Let’s do it with love, let’s do it with gentleness, let’s do it with forgiveness, lets do it with empathy, and lets be very honest with ourselves with where we are and where we want to be,” she says.

20:30

We’re at a place now in 2021 where people are ready to heal, but often lack the proper tools.

Ayesha points out that it is adversity that causes us to grow.

She works with her clients on meditation, intention setting, and being ready to make a full commitment to their own lives.

23:00

Ayesha talks about her own trauma, and the inner work she’s been doing through the last few years, instances where she saw herself in victim consciousness, living with entitlement, resentment, and not fully living in her power.

She talks about experiences of understanding her trauma at the hands of unempowered men, and changing her own story not only to thrive, but to help those same sorts of people reclaim their power as individuals.

27:30

After talking about how two different people can have the same circumstances and choose to live differently, we discuss that when the whole of culture has had the same trauma, that makes progress even more difficult.

When asking Ayesha what individuals can specifically do right now to start changing their story, she states “it literally starts with a decision: I’m going to choose to be fully accountable and responsible for my life” and “I’m going to be open to whatever it takes.”

One ingredient that’s essential, along with some of the more serious parts, is having fun.

“Stop making this journey be so hard and heavy and serious,” Ayesha says. “I simply laugh at the shit I used to believe six months ago.”

32:00

For Black men, life is constant survival, high-beta fight or flight or freeze.

Ayesha talks about seeing men who have achieved high levels of success, then they get there and can’t sustain it.

“You achieved the high-level energy of the monetary success, but you didn’t try to work on the internal self, so you’re still in survival mode, in sparsity, still living in that void, still living in that world of ‘I gotta buy everything I can because I might not be able to create it again.’” she says. “If you don’t bring your self-awareness up with monetary awareness, you’re gonna get rid of it or create problems.

She’s coined the phrase “EVERY KING NEEDS A COUNSEL.”

“Black men have the survival mode thinking and they don’t realize ‘I’m OK,’” she says.

36:00

White people can have limiting beliefs but they have plenty of examples otherwise. It’s not the same for Black people. Eliminating limiting beliefs is much harder when you’ve been told you’re “less than” for hundreds of years.

38:00

We talk about passing trauma through generations.

We discuss how Black people are BORN in trauma. Slavery was only 400+ years ago, four or five generations back. That isn’t very much time at all.

“When you realize the amount of trauma that you already are carrying with you… give yourself some grace and take it one day at a time,” Ayesha says.

42:00

We talk about the importance of monitoring your self-talk.

42:30

Ayesha talks about what to expect in your first meeting with her.

“In consultations, I really want to know what you want more of in your life,” Ayesha says. “Go ahead and decide 3 major goals that you want to achieve and tell me about a space in your life that you’re unhappy in.”

She insists on paper and pen (which I personally agree with.)

Everything is person-centered.

She starts with behavior and habits, asking clients what they truly want.

48:00

We talk about how people are often looking for a quick fix to symptoms, rather than tackling their actual problems.

51:40

“Coach Esha vs. Coach Ayesha”

“Inspiration always runs out.” Ayesha explains the importance of a strong foundation.

“Inspiration alone won’t get you up at 5:00 am. You have to do the work.”

We talk about the importance of celebrating small wins.

58:00

We talk about heavy drinking, and not approaching clients with judgment, but rather suggesting they analyze how they are getting in their own way.

You cannot have conflicting goals. You cannot party until 3:00 and then wake up at 6:00. There has to be an element of prioritizing.

1:03

We talk about how when a society places so much emphasis on money, sometimes when clients spend money, they believe the work is done.

It’s like buying a gym membership- you still have to go, and you get out what you put in.

For Coach Ayesha, this is a true partnership. Although the client does the work, she’ll be right alongside them, helping them succeed.