Yesterday, I was at the bodega buying some club soda when I got behind a woman asking about something called "Grabba."

After she paid and left, I asked the guy working what it was. He explained to me in a thick accent (so if I get it wrong, I apologize) that it was something to do with smoothing out the feeling of smoking marijuana. He then asked if I smoked, to which I said "not anymore. You remember."

He laughed and said he did.

I remember going into that bodega for cigarettes all the time. They were two dollars more there than the Duane Reade, but it was so much easier to just go in and have him place my brand on the counter... Rather than try to explain to the 18-year-old at the drugstore about what "Marlboro Menthol Gold Pack" was-- as it was green, not gold.

They were formerly called "menthol lights," which I used to say... until the cashier could not locate "lights," because the pack didn't display it.

The whole memory of it gives me a headache.

But back to the story...

When I left the bodega, I got a feeling of remembering the first time someone asked if I smoked, and I said "no."

I'd been a smoker since I was 14. I fused it to every facet of my being. I tied it into my masculinity and toughness. It was part of my "fuck you" attitude that to be honest, I still have.

It was important for me to be strong, and part of letting go of that smoker's identity was realizing that smoking made me the exact opposite of what I wished to portray: weak, smelly, and unlikeable.

The anxiety I felt initially to say I was NOT a smoker was heavy in my chest. Just answering that question differently than I "always had" had me feeling like a fraud.

Yet, after a few years, it doesn't plague me at all to say I am no longer a smoker. In fact, I'm proud of it. And now, I do things that actually make me a strong badass. Not things that have me weak, craving, addicted, and less.

Identity is interesting. It's all made up and yet we hold so tightly to it. It even influences the content we see.

I was talking to someone just yesterday about this, as she was telling me that she was rail thin in high school, and that was part of her identity.

She said, "people stay attached to high school weight for some reason."

Naturally, I questioned "people" because "people" is a made-up word for "a reflection of myself."

She said that a lot of coaches in her feed say that women have an idea about remaining their high school weight, despite the fact that it doesn't serve them.

The thing is, I don't see any of that in my feed. I never see anything about "a number on the scale." Nor do I remember my high school weight.

I do remember what kind of cigarettes I smoked though: Newport 100's

I don't see people talking about "the scale" in my feed because I don't give a fuck about it. I see posts about consciousness and food. That's it. Consciousness and food.

Before I was exploring consciousness, I saw only running posts, because Instagram was how I taught myself to run distance. I trained my algorithm to only show me posts of runners. I followed an ass ton of running accounts to receive more running content.

"People" is an illusion. What we see in the feed is an extension of our brains. It's like one blown-up reticular activating system except all it wants to do is sell you shit.

Allllll of this is just an extension of our created identities.

And, as an "away from" person, I can tell you that we get more of what we focus on, even if it isn't the thing we want.

I explore all of this in today’s podcast.

If anything resonates and you’d like to chat about it, please reach out: andee@getthefuckoff.com

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